Helping vs Enabling!

OK! This is one of those topics that I have big problems enforcing. I have had a few people ask me to write about this topic... I wonder if they are wanting it for themselves or are they trying to make me thinking about the difference between helping and enabling others... Hmmm, they better reply to this since I'm writing about it... When they asked me to write about this, I am thinking about how they are talking to the WRONG person... I am guilty of both of these actions... So here it goes!  


I am looking this topic up on yahoo to figure out where to go with it...I am going to cover enabling first  since that is a harder topic and easier one to find…if you put in the search on yahoo for enabling  others you will come up with 75,300,000 results…I narrowed my search down to adults in general, not just our kids, and here is what I came up with…


Enabling is doing things for someone else that they can and should be doing for themselves

How do you kick grown adult out of the house when they refuse to find work, keep a job, pay their own bills/rent, constantly ask for money, won’t help around the house doing chores, won’t stick to the contract agreement rules, and are disrespectful and verbally abusive towards their parents? Parents, do you have “yuckies” living in your house? Kick ‘em out of the house with a steel toe boot. Enroll in Tough Love 101...


In the U.S., grown adults living at home with their families well into their 20’s, 30’s and 40’s are typically called “Millennials” or “boomerang kids” from the Boomerang Generation (also known as the Peter Pan Generation). Problem is, they’re not kids, but full grown adults fully capable of working and taking care of themselves and living on their own...

A good friend of mine used the word Tough Love more than a few times when it comes to saying NO!  Now this has to do with children that manipulate their parents... I have known more than my share of kids that do that to their parents... This is another statement I found online... I can't argue with this and it say's it better than how I could put it... 

Learning how to manipulate parents, and doing whatever is deemed necessary to get parents to do what kids, teens and adult children want, sometimes turns into a virtual war between kids and parents. Manipulating parents, often referred to as emotional extortion, means that there are kids of all ages who will do just about anything to get parents to say yes to something, even when saying yes puts parents in a precarious position.

Boy oh boy have I heard this statement from many friends too... I have had to borrow many comments online for this blog... 

Example of Enabling: Susie is an adult woman who is working full time and making decent wages, but still living at home with her parents...  When she is home her time is spent watching movies or playing video games, while others are carrying the load of paying bills, cleaning the house and other chores while Susie is sitting on the couch eating bon bons... Susie is in good health, fully capable of providing for herself, but can't think of a good reason to provide for herself or live on her own... Her money is being spent on fun activities and doing what she wants to do... Who is at fault here? I would have to say the parents are because they are enabling Susie to continue living with them when she is able to make it on her own as a productive adult...  

OK! Now I am going to cover Helping:

Christians have a dilemma. We are told to help the needy and we are also told to be wise. The challenge is to do both at the same time. Is it possible that our “help” isn't actually helping?  How do we know the difference?  What are some guidelines?

Helping is doing something for someone else that they are not capable of doing for themselves.

Again I had to borrow the examples below to help with this one... 

We have many opportunities in our lives to help someone else, whether it be amongst those of our own families, close friends or complete strangers. Perhaps someone you know has become ill, and you help them by arranging and bringing meals to them until they are well enough to do it for themselves again. A friend’s car may be in the shop getting fixed and you help them by driving them to and from work until their car is in good running order again.

Maybe someone you know has run into a bit of bad luck and is in need of temporary financial help to tide them over for awhile until their situation improves. Did you notice the optimal word, “until”? Providing temporary help to someone in need exemplifies kindness and consideration towards the receiver of help, but it also makes us feel wonderful inside when we are able to do so. But it is still temporary.


Example of Helping: 

Bob is an adult man who had a good paying job and lives on his own. He found himself in a situation where he would be unable to keep his apartment due to layoffs at his place of employment. Bob calls his family to see if he can stay with them until he gets back on his feet and finds a new job. Bob having been self-sufficient as an adult is moving in with his parents... Bob moves in and immediately starts looking for a new job and offers to help out around the house and with bills when able to...  Bob eventually finds a new job and finds a new apartment after 60 days with a new firm... His parents where there to help him out while he needed a place... Bob didn't take advantage of the generosity of his parents... He offered to help them out and was able to get back on his feet in a short time. Bob is happy and living on his own now and has a better paying job... 

In Closing: I think I am more of an enabler... Which is not a good thing... As I am thinking about this and what my friends are trying to tell me... I am hoping everyone doesn't think this is aimed at them directly... I had to do some research on this topic since this is not my strong point... I have alot of friends who have told me that I need to use the word NO more often and setting boundaries...   Knowledge isn't a good thing because then you have to be responsible for that knowledge... I am going to have to call my friend up and say "THANKS"... Kinda more in a saracastic way, lol  

Borrowed Thought on Enabling; You may inadvertently be hurting your loved one's chances of stability. I know you wouldn't do this on purpose, but you need to know the difference between helping your loved one and enabling your loved one, because enabling can actually be a bad thing for them...